My Inner Child Is All Panicky

So I have to confess--I really don't like dressing up for Halloween. Oh, sure, I get a kick out of other people doing it. And I really enjoy watching Eric dress up, he just loves the whole idea of being someone else, if just for a little while. But not me.

No, when I was a child my mother had me dress up as a clown for the Halloween party in Nursery School. Yes, I know, that's been 34 years now, but the memory is still vividly etched in my memory. I don't blame my mom, really. Actually, it's all those years of group process in seminary that have helped me realize what this is all about. This loathing of having myself dress up for Halloween, that is.

Not to go too overboard in psychobabble territory, but really my inner child can't take it! Why is that, you ask? Well, for the better part of my life one of my big issues has been trying to figure out who I am. And having reached a point where I don't question my identity the whole idea of taking on another identity, even if it's just for an evening at church with a loving group of kids and adults is just too much for me.

And so I'll have to endure an evening of being the sour-puss, the party-pooper, the pour sport, etc. But as I do so I'll be myself. Even if my inner child is squirming and wanting to be left alone.

Matthew 10:29

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father."

Jesus' words about the care and compassion of God for even a little sparrow are words spoken by him in a larger passage assuring his disciples that they have nothing to fear in this world as long as they are following him and know that God is watching over them and caring for them. This seems to be the way the above passage is used by interpreters of this passage. But yesterday it was used in a startlingly effective different way in one of my favorite novels: "The Sparrow" by Mary Doria Russell.

This novel has been out for about fifteen years and I read it for the first time about six or eight years ago and for some reason picked it up again a few weeks ago and finished it yesterday. The novel tells the story of a Jesuit and Scientific mission to the planet Rakhat to make contact with another sentient species. The story is told from the vantage point of the trip itself, in 2019 as well as in the distant future when the sole survivor returns in 2060. Throughout there is discussion of faith and God, especially one of the priests named Emilio. This main character experiences extreme mountaintops with God and utter desolation from God.

Very near the end Matthew 10:29 is mentioned as both a comfort and a warning; even as Emilio has fallen deeply in love with God and then feels utterly separated from God his superior reminds him of Jesus' words by saying "But the sparrow still falls." That is, at our lowest point when we are shaking our fist at God and wondering why God let bad things happen Matthew 10:29 reminds us that Jesus, that God never made such a promise. The promise made is that no matter what we go through, no matter how horrible how desolate we may feel God is there still even when we fall.

It may not be what many want to hear, but it is so true.

An Interesting Week

This sure has been an interesting week. It started off with a day off reading Mary Doria Russell's classic "The Sparrow". My morning reading took me from earth to Rakhat and first contact. Russell's book is so moving in its grasp of faith questions as well as what it would mean to contact other species (another way for sci-fi writer's to address race and culture issues). That Monday afternoon was spent doing stained glass, a small project for my nephew in Seattle for Christmas. Then the Price family was off to dinner at Jakkers' and then home to watch both the Denver Broncos & Philadelphia Phillies win on the same night. So it was a great day off and thank goodness because it has turned into a good but trying week of pokes and prods.

I say that because on Tuesday I went to see Dr. Dan about my hand tremors which turned out to be something called "Essential Tremor" and nothing more serious. We are going to look at treatment options in the weeks to come. But what was most trying about the visit was that he wanted some of my blood! And I had to get two vaccinations. So before I left his office I got poked in the left arm first with seasonal flu and then in the right arm with tetanus along with encouragement to fast on Tuesday night in order to show up first thing on Wednesday to have blood drawn for lab work, which I did reluctantly.

I know I sound like a baby, but I really don't need all that attention. Though on the up side it did give me the opportunity to bring out and practice in my head the "Jesus Prayer", that is, "Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner." It may not sound like much, but said over and over and over again in my head it helps calm me. And while I was at the dentist on Thursday--that's right--two vaccinations, blood work, and the dentist all in the same week! Anyway, while I was at the dentist having my teeth cleaned (no cavities!) the Jesus Prayer came in handy once again and while my gums were being probbed I felt for a little while as if Jesus was by my side comforting me through the ordeal.

Thanks to prayer and the fact that I've been flossing and brushing my gums along with my teeth and thanks to some really great nurses I've survived "an interesting week". Now it's Friday and I have Church Officer Training packets to put together and a graveside for an out of town family I do not know along with cleaning my office before I head home later today. All in all, it has been a good week, I can't wait to see what God has in store for the coming week!

Hand Tremors

For the last thirty years I have had hand tremors from time to time. Over the last few months it has gotten worse and noticeable, especially at times like communion and when picking Red Bull cans up the wrong way. Earlier this summer a doctor friend in the congregation noticed it and told me that there was medication for such a condition. I don't know why I didn't run to his office right away, maybe its because doctors and others have told me there's nothing that could be done for it for as long as I can remember. But today I am going to his office, granted I'm not looking forward to a needle or two, but if it will help steady my hands in certain situations that would be great.

I guess its just difficult to have to trust that something can be done after so many years of being told to "just calm down" or having people saying "cut back on the coffee". Interestingly enough if I don't have enough coffee sometimes its worse. So I guess this is a good step forward; it has been embarassing from time to time with church folks and even my seven year old son wondering about it. So I will literally put my hands in someone else's and hope and trust that this doctor will be able to find out a way to help steady me.

Visit from Mom

My mom is visiting from Pennsylvania this week. We got her into Twin Falls safe and sound on Tuesday after some airline mistakes and her bag arrived on the first flight into Twin Falls on Wednesday. She seems to be having a nice time, especially enjoying Eric whom she has not seen since February 2008. Granted she talks to him just about every Sunday afternoon so she has known for some time how far he has come and we've sent many photos so she and dad can see his growth, but it isn't quite the same. So she is very much enjoying his expansive vocabulary and equally expansive diet.

We are having a nice visit, even though we haven't been able to spend all that much time together. I was a little concerned about leaving her at LOGOS with all of my responsibilities, not to mention Kathy's. But she was able to talk with several different people and hear about how well adjusted and happy we are in Twin Falls and that means a lot to mom. I do often wonder how they felt about me interviewing in Pennsylvania and New York along with Idaho and feeling God leading us here. But the longer we are here the more certain I am of God's call and it seems the more at ease my parents are with the idea; even if it means seeing Eric seldomly.

Hopefully today will be a little calmer for mom. She is going to book club with one of her pen pals in the congregation and then she and I are picking Eric up from school instead of him riding home on the bus so that they can have a full hour more of time together. Kathy has book club at the house tonight, so that will just mean that much more time for Grandma and Eric to spend together. It's a short visit, but it has meant a lot to mom, Eric, Kathy and me.

Red Bull + Laptop Keyboard = Not Quite Priceless!

My love of the energy drink Red Bull finally gored me! On Saturday before the worship committee meeting I grabbed the can the wrong way and some of it spilled on my keyboard. At first everything seemed to be o.k. Although sticky "v" and "c" keys would be the harbinger of worse things yet to come. But on Saturday morning with the laptop working fine and dandy I thank God that my mistake didn't prove too disastrous.

On Sunday morning, however, reality set in. As I sat down, while coffee was brewing before my regular Sunday morning preparation and went to log on to the laptop and check email, things were much worse. About half the keyboard would not function, meaning I could not log on to my laptop. Thankfully sermon and Sunday school materials were already printed out so it wasn't a complete loss. And thankfully today I called Jerry Green who suggested I plug an external keyboard into a USB port which I have done and accessed email and am writing this blog, along with backing up files.

On the other hand the only way to fix the fritzed keyboard is to send it off to Dell to be outfitted with a new one. That, of course will take 8-10 business days and in the meantime there is much to do. So your prayers are most welcome as I try to get by without my laptop for the next week and a half. It should be an interesting experiment and show me how dependent I have become on technology and my possessions, especially my laptop and internet access.

Mr. Mom Chronicles 21: A Much Quieter Day

After the highs of Wednesday and LOGOS Thursday brought a much quiter and reflective day. Eric got up and dressed while I packed his lunch and started our day. Thankfully Eric's day was another "green light" day, but other than that he didn't have a whole lot to say once he got home from school.

As for me I spent a good deal of time readying myself for tomorrow's worship committee meeting by looking through resources for Advent & Christmas Eve along with a surprise catalogue that came in the mail. When I first saw it I thought it was a joke; it is the "Spiritual Expressions: Worship Dancewear 2010" catalogue. In fact I did chuckle a little until I opened it and saw something that the worship committee has been talking about for some time. That is a two foot long "wand" to which streamers are attached. What you do with that then is put different color streamers on the end of the "wand" and wave it over the heads of worshippers during a processional. I saw something like it when my friend, the Bishop of Idaho Brian Thom was consecrated as Bishop: it was a stunning effect. Saw hopefully sometime soon the Presbyterians of Twin Falls will give this effect a try in worship.

The balance of my day was taken up with working on the sermon as well as a pleasant morning visit with Stan Hoobing, the interim at Our Savior Lutheran Church here in Twin Falls. In the afternoon David Mead dropped in for a nice conversation for nearly an hour.

In the evening, after Eric got off the bus, he let me read a little while he unwound from school and then we throught the frozen dinners in the oven and played some Wii Sports. We watched survivor, read Harry Potter and headed off to sleep. All in all it was a really nice day, both as pastor and as parent.